Saturday, August 20, 2005

Things you shouldn't do in a bar

I was in the lovely Bar Pilar the other night, and saw, as it was so eloquently coined in the movie Pulp Fiction, a seriously fucked up poobah. She was small, but you'd never know it from the sheer volume of the crap coming out of her mouth. CRIMINY!

So, with that set-up in mind, here's my list of things you shouldn't do in a bar:

1) Approach a group of 3 very drunk gentlemen who you don't know, and engage in suggestive behavior equally passionately with each one of them. This behaviour might prove confusing to all involved.

2) Whisper in any one ear of said gentelmen. However, by looking at the face of the person being whispered to, it was quite apparent to this observer that it might just be better for all of us that the discussion occured in hushed tones.

3) Put both of your hands on any and all of the aforementioned 3 gentlemen, while resting your head on that person's shoulder as you laugh at his jokes.

4) Demonstrate the size of your mouth by tilting your head back and inserting the bottom of a pint glass into it. No shit.

5) Asking 3 random strangers to spank you in a public place. Again, no shit.

I could go on and on, but I'm guessing you get the picture... So I guess you're wondering what became of this foursome, eh? Well, one of the gents had the audacity to put his hands on the girl's waist, to which she shoved him away, shouted something in his face, and left the bar. Show's over, fellas! yikes...

Thursday, August 18, 2005

I am gay for Harry Potter.

There, I said it. I love the books, I love the movies. I. Love. Harry. Frickin'. Potter. Not like. Love. Got it?

And don't sit there and tell me that you think I'm wasting my time reading the books, or that you think it's a ridiculous marketing ploy crafted to lure in stupid kids, or that I've sold out my brain or some other tough guy lameness like that. Whatever, Kerouac - I've heard it all before, and you're not changing my mind, mister. I just like a good, well-researched book that tweaks my gray matter and takes me away from all this hum-drum life crap, k? You've got your drug, I've got mine.

Oh, and if you say that you haven't read the books because you "don't care", I think you're lying (with several exceptions, and you know who you are - cause I actually know for a fact that you don't care). I think you're just afraid of what your friends will think. C'mon Billy... you know you want it... it'll make you feel good...

Okay, so maybe I'm just justifying the fact that I'm reading the 4th book for at LEAST the third time, am about to read the 5th and 6th books again for the 3rd and 2nd time, respectively (just after completing book 6 for the first time ten days ago, I might add), and have a tendency to reread the whole series all over again every time a new book comes out... but who wouldn't fall in love with a precocious little wizard boy with mussy hair and a ragtag group of pals who, singlehandedly, might just save this human race of ours with a little faith and a whole lot of magic? HUH? WHO, I ask you???? You heartless muggle.

And don't say you don't know what a muggle is, cause then I'll KNOW your ass is lying.

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Overheard at work today...

"...Angelina Jolie is all lips and ass... just like a sausage."

Sunday, August 14, 2005

e is for Eeyore Who Often Feels Gloomy

This is funny. I did it with my real name, but that was boring, so I thought I'd just try my alias....

"(your name) is"
Directions:
Type "(your name) is" with the quotes,
into a Google search then pick out your favorite 5 responses.
Copy, then paste your responses in a comment:

1. Vitamin e is beneficial for the eyes and lungs
2. Like Pi, e is an irrational number
3. e is very often silent in English (ain't that the truth...)
4. e is, compared to p, a relative newcomer on the mathematics scene (always late, that's me...)
5. E is a Trojan horse that mimics the online interfaces of certain Brazilian banks to try to steal account information

I also did lil'e. While most of it was fairly epitaph-strewn praise or anger about a rapper who shares my other alias, the hands-down funniest was:

Lil' E is asleep or being a little tornado(depends on if it's day or night).

CRASH - Setlist 8/11/05

This week the featured artist was supposed to be the Stereo MCs, but I totally forgot the CD... so, um... yeah. The evening was pretty good - I'm happy to be back to doing Thursdays, but am sick of the assy hotness of being up in the Zipper lounge...

Anyhoo, I put *s by all requests:

Dream Academy - Love (12" version)
Spoon - I Turn My Camera On
DJ Circle A - Come To Mother
Lou Reed - Take a Walk on the Wild Side
Wang Chung - Dance Hall Days
Siouxsie - O Baby
Tears For Fears - Head Over Heels
Black Eyed Peas - Boogie That Beat
Stereo MCs - Connected (see, I did play ONE song by them, anyway...)
Captain Sensible - Wot
INXS - Need You Tonight
* Gloria Gaynor - I will Survive
Shannon - Let the Music Play
Depeche Mode - Enjoy the Silence
Pet Shop Boys - West End Girls
* Prince - When Doves Cry
Duran Duran - Girls On Film
Rockwell - Somebody's Watching Me
Boney M - Daddy Cool
Was Not Was - Papa Was A Rolling Stone (lil'e remix)
Blur - Girls & Boys
Kon Kan - Liberty
Sisters of Mercy - More
New Order - Sub Culture
* Pulp - Disco 2000
The Church - The Unguarded Moment
Sinead O'Connor - Mandinka
Eurythmics - Thorn In My Side
Slade - Run, Run Away
Furniture - Brilliant Mind
Deep Dish - Flashdance (He's a Dream remix)
OMD - Locomotion
Q Feel - Dancing In Heaven
Killers - Somebody Told Me
Iggy Pop - The Passenger
Clash - London Calling
Blondie - Call Me
Prince & Shiela E - Oh Shiela
Propellorheads - Shirley Bassey / History Repeating Itself
Kenna - Free Time
Raven Maize - Fascinated
Erasure - Video Killed the Radio Star

Friday, August 12, 2005

word of the day

sycophant.

Main Entry: sy·co·phant
Pronunciation: -f&nt also -"fant
Function: noun
Etymology: Latin sycophanta slanderer, swindler, from Greek sykophantEs slanderer, from sykon fig + phainein to show -- more at FANCY
: a servile self-seeking flatterer
synonym see PARASITE


Seems like peeps fitting this description have been awfully prevalent in my life of late. Not you, of course... :)

Friday, August 05, 2005

wearing fancy shoes is for people with little to no brains

Dudes. I have a blister from my big toe, aaaaaaaaaaalllllllllllll the way across the ball of my foot to my middle toe. It is very much gross.

ew.
ew.
ew.
ew.

Amazingly, it doesn't hurt. Just looks 10 levels of funky.

At least the shoes I wore to dinner last night looked cute.

I heart fashion. I really do. That said, I have this amazing ability to pick out shoes that are, hands down, literal torture devices. OH SURE, they look all cute/sexy/funky/cool, but there always comes that inevitable threshold in the evening where I realize that, if I take one more step, the blister will pop, the arches will give out, the toes will 'xplode through the front of the shoe, or I will simply collapse to the floor. Happens all the friggin' time, y'all.

Case in point - Corsica. (I start my story this way for my man-friend's benefit, who is no doubt peeing his pants right now...)

So yeah. Went to Corsica on vacation with my fella about 6 years ago. Took 1 pair of shoes with me. 1 pair. They were very cute, very funky, and brand new. BIG mistake. Corsica is a little island in the Mediterranean (think the birthplace of Napolean) and is just about the hilliest motherfucker I've EVER laid my lil' piggies on. You walk uphill both ways in Corsica, it is NO joke.

So, by midway through day 1, I had the most GARGANTUAN blisters of all time across the backs of BOTH heels. Excruciating, painful, horrendous blisters from h-e-double-hockey-sticks. Suckage beyond belief. And the kicker (no pun intended) was that the shops/pharmacies/restaurants/banks/grocery stores/carts/vendors in Corsica maintain the most random-assed hours of all time. It's like getting the ball through the windmill at Putt-Putt getting into one of those shops, seriously! So, not only did I have blisters the size of a small dinner plate, I could not for the life of me figure out how to get bandaids for them.

So what did I do? Buy another pair of shoes, of course! My brilliant idea was to buy shoes with no backs. Okay, so in the world of backless shoes, perhaps you're thinking clogs, or flipflops, or some other reasonable, comfortable shoe. Right? That's what you're thinking, right? Well, not so, my friends. NO. I pick the cute, sassy, 4-inch, open-toed wedge shoes made of VERY TOUGH leather. You can see where this is going, no doubt.

1 hour.

That's how long I lasted.

ONE.

HOUR.

After one hour, I not only had the dinner plate blisters, but now had a lovely little series of 10 matching blisters across each of my toes. At that point, I couldn't even put my feet NEAR the old pair of shoes. My feet just weren't having it. In fact, they saw the old shoes and shrank up ala the Wicked Witch of the East.

Back to the shoe store. Reasonable pair of ballet slipper-like shoes were purchased. Story over.

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

aah... people.

Have you ever wanted to smack the living crap out of someone? Even if it's just with the proverbial Eye-opening Stick? Me too - the other day, in fact!!!

I cannot post the whole story here. Sorry dudes. I may get hot under the collar on occasion (more often than not these days, it seems...), but I'm certainly not interested in slamming someone in a public forum. Suffice it to say, a person... we'll call him or her "Shim"... did me super wrong professionally a few months ago, then pretended not to know me when we were face to face very recently. Shim went so far as to ask, "do I know you?". It was precious, let me tell you, for the simple fact that this past issue was not a round-about, might-have-been-someone-else type situation. This was a one-on-one, face-to-face conflict and resolution that was rather ugly and utterly unforgettable (although only to me, apparently).

Look - most of the time, I try REEEEEEEEALLY hard to be the nice guy. Seriously. I do. Assholes and their minions piss me off somethin' fierce. That said, I also consider myself very direct and fair - the kind of person who walks right up to conflict, grabs it by the shoulders, and kisses it full on the mouth, Bugs Bunny style. My feeling is that it is far better to be upfront, honest, and professional in such matters. Once the conflict is over, I am over the conflict. I can move on, and play nice-nice all day long, provided the other person is able to play along as well.

BUT...

When something incredibly unpleasant happens between two people, as it did in this case, and the person at fault then pushes it out of their mind enough to where it totally disappears, that just tells me that there was no lesson learned on their end. That they will never see their mistake(s), will never own up to them in terms of their own continual behavior, and will continue treating people in the same manner that got them into the conflict in the first place. That makes me sad, and it pisses me off.

Thankfully I did have the presence of mind to remind Shim exactly who I am and in what context he/she knows me, wrapping it all up with a tidy, "remember me now?". It's amazing how fast a person will leave the building when you do that.

The Eye-opening stick has now been safely returned to its case.