Monday, July 28, 2008

Sunday, bloody Sunday

Okay, I feel totally stupid posting about this - so stupid, in fact, that I slept on it for a day. Then a second day. Then a third and fourth day, cause I felt even stupider that it wouldn't get the fuck out of my head. It is now the fifth day of thinking on this, and it's still indelibly etched in my noggin - the information earworm that will NOT piss off, no matter what.

So here goes. Promise you won't laugh at me. Or if you do, promise at least that you'll do it behind my back... Okay, you promised.

Does anyone else out there believe that Nicole Kidman, like, totally faked her pregnancy? [hold for stupified pause followed up with gales of laughter, sent in my general direction]. Don't you also love how I tried to hide the ridiculousness of that question by making it seem as if a teenager wrote it with a strategically placed use of the word "like"?

I know this is a weird tangent to go on - and I SWEAR to god I'll make it brief. But, I was looking at pictures in People Magazine - and yes, since I'm already going out on a limb and admitting that I actually used several hours of my life's brainspace thinking on this topic, I am now going to admit to friggin' EVERYone that I have a subscription to People. So sue me.

Anyway, so in spite of the fact that I willingly, knowingly, and sometimes excitedly read my beloved People each week, admittedly I feel a bit like a foie gras goose with the whole NK pregnancy thing - and how fucked up is it when People, aka Peoplecrack, absolutely GUSHES for pages and pages about how pregnant Nicole is, like, "WOO, we saw her baby bump. SEE, she's just like ALL of you [pathetic saps who sit by the front door every Friday, just waiting for their weekly dose of Peoplecrack]"

I'm sorry, but THIS is not what most women look like when they are 6 months pregnant:

Because, if it is, I have been 6 months pregnant for the last year. Seriously.

NO, THIS is what most women look like at 6 months:

Oh, did I say SIX months? I meant that this anonymous woman above is FIVE months pregnant, and gigantic. Which means Nicole Kidman is totally faking it. And before you get all crazy and say I'm jealous and over-reacting, please recall that I've actually met Nicole Kidman. In fact, I DJ'd her closing party for the movie The Invasion, so I got to STARE fixedly at the woman in a way that some might label as creepy for the better part of 5 hours. So, while I am no expert on childbirth, I can tell you that a 6 foot tall, 115 pound woman is going to have more than an itty bitty tummy if she's six months pregnant, m'kay??

I think that little rant may satisfy my need to get this off my chest. We'll see in another five days.


Heids said...

Ooh, far be it from me to dispute a delicious theory but ... it is possible to not show as much at 6 months. I was friends with a woman who was pregnant at the same time I was, except she was 6 weeks farther along -- and showed much less. Right up at her due date, people assumed she was only 6 or 7 months pregnant. Meanwhile I looked waaay more preggers than I actually was (lucky me). People thought I was about to pop at 7 months.

On the other hand ... NK has apparently recently revealed her conception difficulties during her marriage to Tom Cruise, including miscarraiges. So it's quite miraculous that she was able to conceive a) after previous infertility and b) at her age, when fertility is much lower anyway.

Hmmmm ... (taps fingers together thoughtfully)

Tiffany said...

I always figured that her "conception difficulties" while married to Tom Cruise were more like "my husband is secretly gay" difficulties.

Bram said...

I had no real interest in all this before you brought this up, and I think I'm managing quite successfully to still not. But damned if that wasn't one of your best posts yet.

Heids said...

Dude! I just read another blogger who agrees with you!

Lisa said...

Plus showing up in tight white jeans *2 weeks*! after giving birth? What the hell is that about?